pope

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep; "Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires composed, affections ever even,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heaven.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whispering angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her the unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heavenly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day."


- Alexander Pope

[no title yet]

empty this heart.
whisper::whisper to me.
in the midst of noise--
solitude finds me.

let go. and awake. you are made new.

stop letting your past rule your present courtney!

[yes, i am talking to myself in third person]


"wake up, o sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

-ephesians 5:14

i will not be shaken.

i will wander away.
i will be distant.
i will fall.
and i will fall hard.
but i will not be shaken.
i will always come back to You.
and You always let me.
i don't understand why.
why You would let this filthy girl into Your clean arms.
why You continuously wash this dirt away.
but i accept it.
i tried not to.
i tried to run.
i tried to rebel.
but You covered me with purity--grace::with love.
i couldn't resist.
i am broken.

i am lost.

You put me back together.
and guide me.
and Lord, i will follow.
i will follow You.
to Your glorious paradise in the sky.
i will not be shaken.
not because i am strong.
--for i am so weak.
but because i cannot resist You.

i.
cannot.

an end.

finals are taking over my life.
it snowed lastnight.
i have been throwing up today--probably because i played in the snow in flip-flops and shorts.
not my smartest move to date.

this semester is coming to a close, and i am so relieved.
it has been a rollercoaster event for me, one that i have learned so much from.

as i reflect, i can honestly say i am thankful.
even during the times when i threw up my hands at the Lord and cursed Him.
he probably just looked down at me and laughed at my ignorance.
because He is cool like that.

ah, Lord i thank you so much for this crazy semester. for the darkness, and the light. for the tears, and the praises. in the end the tears led me to praise, because God, it isn't about me at all. ah, forgive me for making it that way. thank you for leading me, even when i pushed you away more than ever. your love is genuine and divine. help me to love like that.


"for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast."

-ephesians 2:8-9

my letter to beelzebub

dear beelzebub,

your words cannot contain me...
I will not be destroyed by the ideas of a mind too narrow to know--
--too blind to comprehend the depths and heights of heaven that radiate in my heart.
you'll only go as far as I let, and here I draw the line.

So save your insults.
Save your judgements.
Save your stones for someone else.
I cannot, no I won't, let you bring me down.

I am not fickle.
I am not bland.
I cannot be summed up and grated through your egotistical grid.
you suffocate reality and mold it into your pet, living for far less and deeming it your own.
I will not fight to defend myself...this battle is not mine.

No, I won't try to prove myself.
your weapons are bitter and broken-
a calloused heart is your prize.

So beat on, heart beater.
The battle has begun.
I said bring it on, life stealer.
This battle has already been won.


sincerely,
court

your soul::set it free

nature::i am meshed within.
it ignites my soul;
sets it free
an effortless breeze::i am released

my vulnerabilities go uncultivated
meadows of the forest.
i am one with the birds--
--as they abscond through the sky--
i hear an illustrious song
how vividly enchanting is this meeting

my heart aches.

tonight i am perplexed.
as i sit here in my dim lit room, i want to cry.
it has been a long time since i have. i have become numb to it in a way.
i have seen my mistakes. i keep hitting replay in my head. i have been able to smile, and thank God for them.

but tonight, they haunt me.
tonight the feelings of being used will not leave my heart.
it is breaking all over again.

i want so bad to be able to forgive those who have hurt me. who have used me for their own selfish desires despite the long term effects i would endure from it.

i want to be able to love them the way God loves me still.
but i can't. not tonight. tonight i hurt. tonight i feel dirty and used.


so i will sit here and cry.
i hate that i was so stupid.
i hate that i LET them.
i feel uncomfortable.
i hate my past.

dark.

right now i'm sitting through my designated ditched class of the week. this semester i have become a terrible slacker, and if i don't ditch one or more classes a week i feel like i don't have a mind of my own.

this semester has been very dark. i can't really explain it any other way than that.

dark.

i have rebelled, gotten drunk, and ran away from Christ more than i ever have before.
and He let me.

He let me.

gah, i am so thankful. at the beginning of this semester i never thought i would be saying that.
but i am. i feel i have learned so much through the pain. through the running. and even through the crazy drunken nights.

last night my dear friends and me sat in a room and prayed.
and laughed. and talked about how this semester has been rough for all of us in some way. satan has had a huge stronghold on us all. but he didn't win the fight.

i am so excited to see what the Lord has in store for next semester. i think it is going to be something spectacular for His glory. satan has been working hard at trying to make that not happen.

i am so thankful for my friends. sigh.

we layed in the street last night and looked at the, ever so bright, full moon. and the stars. and the clouds. and prayed. it was beautiful. and i realized that although this semester has been ugly, and we all have ugly hearts, it is still, and we are still, beautiful.


there is beauty in the ugly.

now i am off to freemans ranch, a secluded area in the hills of hill country.
ah, stoked.

out.

out.
i want out.
the dawn entices me.
the night imbibes me.
the doors
are--
--locked--
there is
no way
out!
i try to run--
[far far away]
tis impossible!

this way--
riven pieces lay before me.

that way--
laneful desires consume me.

let go!
let me free!
let go!
let me free!
oh, how i long for a discrepant way out.
i.
am.
out.

huh?

what is this?
it is not prosaic.
it is quite remarkable.
is this real?
it can't be.
but it is.
--i think.
be careful.
can you see it?

jealousy.

you.
allure me.

you.
entice me.

you. hold me captive.
i try to escape--
i almost make it.
the iniquitous attack begins--
and i let it win.
i. let. it.

shallowness--it fills me.
my own beauty.
my own love.
my own burning passion--
for my king.

--slips away--

you.
allure me.
you.
entice me.
you. hold me captive.
tis she is--
far
more
surpassing
than i.

church.

this weekend was grand.
spent much needed time with the girls watching movies and baking cookies.
went on a jog with a friend saturday morning.
and church sunday.

church.

haven't been there in awhile, it has been out of sight; i have allowed myself to push it out of mind. but it was so good to be back. it really was. i realized how out of touch i have been with the Lord, with prayer, with the word, and with worship. how important it is to my heart. no matter how much abuse my heart endures, God will always have His shield around it. it will get hurt. but it will also recover. ah.


the pastor talked how it is not the quantity or quality of faith we have, but the object of our faith. who or what is our object? satan will continue to attack me with all the shit i've done, but God will always take me back. He doesn't care about that. and i don't get it. but i don't think i ever will. i just need to accept it, and move past my shit.





i am a dirty little girl.
i am a slave to my desires.

i am loved.



He is taking me through the wilderness. teaching me new things. while i try to let go of old ones. He is showing me what is on my heart. buried deep within.



i will most likely fall by sundown.
this process may take a lifetime.

oh, and i voted yesturday; partook in history. for obama.

innocence.

the great Mother Angelica once said,

"we have to learn to live in the present moment. we have to ask God: what are You calling me to do now, in this present moment? not yesturday or tomorrow, but right now. God's will is manifested to us in the duties and experiences of the present moment. we have only to accept them and try to be like Jesus in them."

i love that.

but i feel dirty.
i am ashamed.
i feel used.
mentally abused.
guilt has eaten me alive.

i have foresaken so much.
of myself.
of others.
of my innocence.
and most importantly, of my God.


i know truth is that He will take us back. our plate can be clean. i know that.
--but i can't comprehend that. and when i try to, an image from my past haunts me, and makes me believe that i am downright dirty and nobody would ever want me, especially my God.

my innocence has been lost.
and i'll never fully have it back.



so i run.
and i drink.
i do mindless things.
so my past will not rule me.
i make sure my life is as loud as possible.
my greatest fear; silence.


but i can still put a smile on my face.
and love others. and write:

death of a ruined beauty

she lay in a linn of tears.
wretched by his eminent
words of closure--

her inclination of forlornment,
transpired subitaneously.

the radiant essence that
abided in her--
shattered.

she ceased herself away.
the utter likeness of her bloom--
now fading, fadin, fadi, fad, fa,f--

by: [me]

life's a bitch.

everything is beautiful.
and everything is ugly.
they intertwine.
like a whore and a virgin.
we are all whores. not in the literal sense of course.
lifes a bitch. but God is good.



that's all. oh, and it's really windy outside. i like it.

torn.

look at me now--
what have i become?
i am bare.

--torn sheets--

they lay on the cold floor.
i engaged in my vulnerability--created in myself--

--damaged goods--

i gave all of me.
all of me was --taken away--

the sheets now lay
on the--

cold.
dark.
floor. --Torn--





by: [me]

marathon?

why do i want to run?
i want to rebel.
i want to act in ways i never have before.
i want to rebel.
i want to piss conservative christians off.
and i want to run. away from Christ right now.

i wish i didn't.
but i do.
words cannot explain, what i am going through is weird, but i am intrigued by it at the same time.



not saying i don't want to love the Lord; i have faith in Him.
but i want to run. and rebel. and piss people off.
especially the ones who want to judge.
LET ME BE.

let me run.
let me fall.
i am strong and i will get back up.



this might be a marathon.

be still?

my favorite thing used to be reading through the bible, journaling, and just being still.

today, presently, this terrifies me.
i don't want to be still.
i am scared of the silence.
i want to close the door on my past, i don't want it to rule me--if i am still--i know it will haunt me. and eat me alive.

i desperatly want to seek Christ and all His glory. but for some reason i won't let myself right now. i know He is fighting for me to come back to Him, but i honestly feel like i'm not ready. i know he wants me, all of me. my imperfections, and my ugly heart. but i really don't want to face either of those right now.

i am forgetting my past, so it does not rule my present.
so i am a little louder than usual. a little wilder than usual. and running away--faster than usual.

it's weird though, i feel like i am in a horrible place, trying not to be still, having fun, scared to journal or even pray right now. yet, i feel like this is EXACTLY where God wants me. He can and will use this season i'm in right now for His glory. that, i have full faith in.


it is far too easy for me to say that i am doing great, and the Lord and me are on splendid terms right now. but i'm not going to.

because we aren't.
but i feel like what i am going through, is something i need to go through. something He wants me to go through.



so let me be. because if i was any other way right now, i wouldn't be real.

i still love jesus.

i am at a cabalistic place in life right now.
i have begun to let loose. for reasons i do not yet know.

if people get drunk at times, does that mean that they do not know jesus?
this question seems to be brought up lately, and i don't think there is a real answer to that.
i don't think that PEOPLE can answer it.
however, i do believe that you can still love jesus, and get drunk. there are seasons in life.

my season is: 'letting loose.' that's what i'll call it. i never went through this phase before. i don't have all the answers as to why i am now. i suppose i am trying to fill a void. in no way am i trying to justify my actions, i am just simply being honest.

at times, i know that i am doing something i shouldn't. but i still do it.
for some reason it is really easy for me to say, 'oh well, i don't care.'
a couple months ago i would of cared.
not to say i won't again.
but right now, i know what i am doing, i don't know why i'm doing it, and i don't care. i'm just doing it. that's that. i will fall, i'm sure, but i know i will find my way back up; or He will find me.

to be completely transparent, i am angry with God right now. there, i said it.
that may be a horrible thing for someone to say to most, but it's a relationship.
and relationships aren't always perfect like blue bell ice cream. [yes, i said ice cream]

so my life is weird right now, i'm having fun. i am numb to crying. i am in love with my kiddos at work. i hate math; i love my social work classes. i am angry with God; i still love Him. and i am letting loose. [i don't know why]



if that's not transparency, i don't what is.

hope.

this weekend=confusion.
words really can't explain the storm going on inside my head right now. utterly, i am perplexed. it would be a delight for me to say, 'oh i am so much stronger now,' but that just isn't the case yet. i know i will be, and i know everything happens for a reason, but i just don't know it right now. patience courtney. patience. gah, i need more patience. i want nothing more than to rush and say everything is all better, i know exactly why it happened, i learned so much, and i am the strongest woman ever because of it. but i've done that before. too easily. and look where that got me. i need time to process, to figure shit out.

i am so good at 'running' away from things, and hiding my emotions, which at times is admirable, but other times, putrid. i can't run this time. i need to face this situation and find myself again--because let's be honest, i have lost part of me...more than ever though, i am optimistic.




-- today i worked at the homeless shelter in downtown austin [frontsteps.org], and met a brilliant man named 'benney.' i had a shirt on that read, 'hope.' ironic. benney stared at me for a long time while i searched for his mail. after i handed him his mail i gave him a smile and told him to have a wonderful day. he just stood there. then after what seemed forever, he spoke:

"hope. i like that. i have hope every day. even when there is no place to sleep or no food to eat. i still hope. and i want you to know, that no matter what life brings you, there is always hope..."

and then he was gone. i swear he was an angel. he had no idea how much i needed to hear those words. and i have a feeling that won't be the last time i run into ol' benney at the shelter.



every season must come to an end. and when it does, hope.

children.

i love my job.

no matter how hair-rasing my day is going, i can come to work and laugh it off with my kids. they have such light and energy--it's contagious.

the weather has been exquisite here; 70's, light cool breeze, half overcast, half sun. it's been like this all week. needless to say, i have taken my kids outside everyday. yesturday we all layed in the grass--played that game where you look at the clouds and make pictures from them--for about 30 minutes. i don't think i ever felt more free than in that moment with them. the weather was perfect, the wind was blowing, we were laying in the grass, and looking at the sky. i had been having an awful day, infact awful couple of weeks, but for that thirty minutes i forgot about all of that. i listened to the laughter that filled the air, and saw the little fingers pointing to the sky as their imaginations went uncultivated. it was such a warm feeling that brought back the infant spirit in me that i have been longing for.

--i love kids. i have been hiding behind a smile lately, but a simple game of clouds with my kids, made my smile genuine.


sometimes, you just need to be still. and laugh. and take in all that nature has to offer.


"be still, and know that i am God;"

-psalm 46:10

emily dickinson.

emily dickinson's life is so intriguing to me.
her poetry is nonpareil and comely. it inspires me.
i haven't written poetry in awhile--but i picked the habit back up lastnight.
i couldn't stop. so many thoughts flooded my mind, it was almost therapeutic to release them.

--and now i am beginning to re-read emily's poems again. here's a taste of her stunning work:



They dropped like Flakes-
They dropped like stars-
Like Petals from a Rose-
When suddenly across the June
A wind with fingers-goes-

They perished in the Seamless Grass-
No eye could find the place-
But God can summon every face
On his Repealles-List.