innocence.

the great Mother Angelica once said,

"we have to learn to live in the present moment. we have to ask God: what are You calling me to do now, in this present moment? not yesturday or tomorrow, but right now. God's will is manifested to us in the duties and experiences of the present moment. we have only to accept them and try to be like Jesus in them."

i love that.

but i feel dirty.
i am ashamed.
i feel used.
mentally abused.
guilt has eaten me alive.

i have foresaken so much.
of myself.
of others.
of my innocence.
and most importantly, of my God.


i know truth is that He will take us back. our plate can be clean. i know that.
--but i can't comprehend that. and when i try to, an image from my past haunts me, and makes me believe that i am downright dirty and nobody would ever want me, especially my God.

my innocence has been lost.
and i'll never fully have it back.



so i run.
and i drink.
i do mindless things.
so my past will not rule me.
i make sure my life is as loud as possible.
my greatest fear; silence.


but i can still put a smile on my face.
and love others. and write:

death of a ruined beauty

she lay in a linn of tears.
wretched by his eminent
words of closure--

her inclination of forlornment,
transpired subitaneously.

the radiant essence that
abided in her--
shattered.

she ceased herself away.
the utter likeness of her bloom--
now fading, fadin, fadi, fad, fa,f--

by: [me]