my favorite thing used to be reading through the bible, journaling, and just being still.
today, presently, this terrifies me.
i don't want to be still.
i am scared of the silence.
i want to close the door on my past, i don't want it to rule me--if i am still--i know it will haunt me. and eat me alive.
i desperatly want to seek Christ and all His glory. but for some reason i won't let myself right now. i know He is fighting for me to come back to Him, but i honestly feel like i'm not ready. i know he wants me, all of me. my imperfections, and my ugly heart. but i really don't want to face either of those right now.
i am forgetting my past, so it does not rule my present.
so i am a little louder than usual. a little wilder than usual. and running away--faster than usual.
it's weird though, i feel like i am in a horrible place, trying not to be still, having fun, scared to journal or even pray right now. yet, i feel like this is EXACTLY where God wants me. He can and will use this season i'm in right now for His glory. that, i have full faith in.
it is far too easy for me to say that i am doing great, and the Lord and me are on splendid terms right now. but i'm not going to.
because we aren't.
but i feel like what i am going through, is something i need to go through. something He wants me to go through.
so let me be. because if i was any other way right now, i wouldn't be real.
1 comment:
I find myself like this too...not wanting to be still...but more because I am afraid of what God will tell me and that I won't like it...that His words won't fit into my plan and that will, in turn, hurt even more. I love you and your heart. Thanks for being honest here. I am hopeful that this season of brokenness and anger will make us even more beautiful women in Him.
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