hope.

this weekend=confusion.
words really can't explain the storm going on inside my head right now. utterly, i am perplexed. it would be a delight for me to say, 'oh i am so much stronger now,' but that just isn't the case yet. i know i will be, and i know everything happens for a reason, but i just don't know it right now. patience courtney. patience. gah, i need more patience. i want nothing more than to rush and say everything is all better, i know exactly why it happened, i learned so much, and i am the strongest woman ever because of it. but i've done that before. too easily. and look where that got me. i need time to process, to figure shit out.

i am so good at 'running' away from things, and hiding my emotions, which at times is admirable, but other times, putrid. i can't run this time. i need to face this situation and find myself again--because let's be honest, i have lost part of me...more than ever though, i am optimistic.




-- today i worked at the homeless shelter in downtown austin [frontsteps.org], and met a brilliant man named 'benney.' i had a shirt on that read, 'hope.' ironic. benney stared at me for a long time while i searched for his mail. after i handed him his mail i gave him a smile and told him to have a wonderful day. he just stood there. then after what seemed forever, he spoke:

"hope. i like that. i have hope every day. even when there is no place to sleep or no food to eat. i still hope. and i want you to know, that no matter what life brings you, there is always hope..."

and then he was gone. i swear he was an angel. he had no idea how much i needed to hear those words. and i have a feeling that won't be the last time i run into ol' benney at the shelter.



every season must come to an end. and when it does, hope.