jealousy.

you.
allure me.

you.
entice me.

you. hold me captive.
i try to escape--
i almost make it.
the iniquitous attack begins--
and i let it win.
i. let. it.

shallowness--it fills me.
my own beauty.
my own love.
my own burning passion--
for my king.

--slips away--

you.
allure me.
you.
entice me.
you. hold me captive.
tis she is--
far
more
surpassing
than i.

church.

this weekend was grand.
spent much needed time with the girls watching movies and baking cookies.
went on a jog with a friend saturday morning.
and church sunday.

church.

haven't been there in awhile, it has been out of sight; i have allowed myself to push it out of mind. but it was so good to be back. it really was. i realized how out of touch i have been with the Lord, with prayer, with the word, and with worship. how important it is to my heart. no matter how much abuse my heart endures, God will always have His shield around it. it will get hurt. but it will also recover. ah.


the pastor talked how it is not the quantity or quality of faith we have, but the object of our faith. who or what is our object? satan will continue to attack me with all the shit i've done, but God will always take me back. He doesn't care about that. and i don't get it. but i don't think i ever will. i just need to accept it, and move past my shit.





i am a dirty little girl.
i am a slave to my desires.

i am loved.



He is taking me through the wilderness. teaching me new things. while i try to let go of old ones. He is showing me what is on my heart. buried deep within.



i will most likely fall by sundown.
this process may take a lifetime.

oh, and i voted yesturday; partook in history. for obama.

innocence.

the great Mother Angelica once said,

"we have to learn to live in the present moment. we have to ask God: what are You calling me to do now, in this present moment? not yesturday or tomorrow, but right now. God's will is manifested to us in the duties and experiences of the present moment. we have only to accept them and try to be like Jesus in them."

i love that.

but i feel dirty.
i am ashamed.
i feel used.
mentally abused.
guilt has eaten me alive.

i have foresaken so much.
of myself.
of others.
of my innocence.
and most importantly, of my God.


i know truth is that He will take us back. our plate can be clean. i know that.
--but i can't comprehend that. and when i try to, an image from my past haunts me, and makes me believe that i am downright dirty and nobody would ever want me, especially my God.

my innocence has been lost.
and i'll never fully have it back.



so i run.
and i drink.
i do mindless things.
so my past will not rule me.
i make sure my life is as loud as possible.
my greatest fear; silence.


but i can still put a smile on my face.
and love others. and write:

death of a ruined beauty

she lay in a linn of tears.
wretched by his eminent
words of closure--

her inclination of forlornment,
transpired subitaneously.

the radiant essence that
abided in her--
shattered.

she ceased herself away.
the utter likeness of her bloom--
now fading, fadin, fadi, fad, fa,f--

by: [me]

life's a bitch.

everything is beautiful.
and everything is ugly.
they intertwine.
like a whore and a virgin.
we are all whores. not in the literal sense of course.
lifes a bitch. but God is good.



that's all. oh, and it's really windy outside. i like it.

torn.

look at me now--
what have i become?
i am bare.

--torn sheets--

they lay on the cold floor.
i engaged in my vulnerability--created in myself--

--damaged goods--

i gave all of me.
all of me was --taken away--

the sheets now lay
on the--

cold.
dark.
floor. --Torn--





by: [me]

marathon?

why do i want to run?
i want to rebel.
i want to act in ways i never have before.
i want to rebel.
i want to piss conservative christians off.
and i want to run. away from Christ right now.

i wish i didn't.
but i do.
words cannot explain, what i am going through is weird, but i am intrigued by it at the same time.



not saying i don't want to love the Lord; i have faith in Him.
but i want to run. and rebel. and piss people off.
especially the ones who want to judge.
LET ME BE.

let me run.
let me fall.
i am strong and i will get back up.



this might be a marathon.

be still?

my favorite thing used to be reading through the bible, journaling, and just being still.

today, presently, this terrifies me.
i don't want to be still.
i am scared of the silence.
i want to close the door on my past, i don't want it to rule me--if i am still--i know it will haunt me. and eat me alive.

i desperatly want to seek Christ and all His glory. but for some reason i won't let myself right now. i know He is fighting for me to come back to Him, but i honestly feel like i'm not ready. i know he wants me, all of me. my imperfections, and my ugly heart. but i really don't want to face either of those right now.

i am forgetting my past, so it does not rule my present.
so i am a little louder than usual. a little wilder than usual. and running away--faster than usual.

it's weird though, i feel like i am in a horrible place, trying not to be still, having fun, scared to journal or even pray right now. yet, i feel like this is EXACTLY where God wants me. He can and will use this season i'm in right now for His glory. that, i have full faith in.


it is far too easy for me to say that i am doing great, and the Lord and me are on splendid terms right now. but i'm not going to.

because we aren't.
but i feel like what i am going through, is something i need to go through. something He wants me to go through.



so let me be. because if i was any other way right now, i wouldn't be real.

i still love jesus.

i am at a cabalistic place in life right now.
i have begun to let loose. for reasons i do not yet know.

if people get drunk at times, does that mean that they do not know jesus?
this question seems to be brought up lately, and i don't think there is a real answer to that.
i don't think that PEOPLE can answer it.
however, i do believe that you can still love jesus, and get drunk. there are seasons in life.

my season is: 'letting loose.' that's what i'll call it. i never went through this phase before. i don't have all the answers as to why i am now. i suppose i am trying to fill a void. in no way am i trying to justify my actions, i am just simply being honest.

at times, i know that i am doing something i shouldn't. but i still do it.
for some reason it is really easy for me to say, 'oh well, i don't care.'
a couple months ago i would of cared.
not to say i won't again.
but right now, i know what i am doing, i don't know why i'm doing it, and i don't care. i'm just doing it. that's that. i will fall, i'm sure, but i know i will find my way back up; or He will find me.

to be completely transparent, i am angry with God right now. there, i said it.
that may be a horrible thing for someone to say to most, but it's a relationship.
and relationships aren't always perfect like blue bell ice cream. [yes, i said ice cream]

so my life is weird right now, i'm having fun. i am numb to crying. i am in love with my kiddos at work. i hate math; i love my social work classes. i am angry with God; i still love Him. and i am letting loose. [i don't know why]



if that's not transparency, i don't what is.