pope

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep; "Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires composed, affections ever even,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heaven.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whispering angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her the unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heavenly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day."


- Alexander Pope

[no title yet]

empty this heart.
whisper::whisper to me.
in the midst of noise--
solitude finds me.

let go. and awake. you are made new.

stop letting your past rule your present courtney!

[yes, i am talking to myself in third person]


"wake up, o sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

-ephesians 5:14

i will not be shaken.

i will wander away.
i will be distant.
i will fall.
and i will fall hard.
but i will not be shaken.
i will always come back to You.
and You always let me.
i don't understand why.
why You would let this filthy girl into Your clean arms.
why You continuously wash this dirt away.
but i accept it.
i tried not to.
i tried to run.
i tried to rebel.
but You covered me with purity--grace::with love.
i couldn't resist.
i am broken.

i am lost.

You put me back together.
and guide me.
and Lord, i will follow.
i will follow You.
to Your glorious paradise in the sky.
i will not be shaken.
not because i am strong.
--for i am so weak.
but because i cannot resist You.

i.
cannot.

an end.

finals are taking over my life.
it snowed lastnight.
i have been throwing up today--probably because i played in the snow in flip-flops and shorts.
not my smartest move to date.

this semester is coming to a close, and i am so relieved.
it has been a rollercoaster event for me, one that i have learned so much from.

as i reflect, i can honestly say i am thankful.
even during the times when i threw up my hands at the Lord and cursed Him.
he probably just looked down at me and laughed at my ignorance.
because He is cool like that.

ah, Lord i thank you so much for this crazy semester. for the darkness, and the light. for the tears, and the praises. in the end the tears led me to praise, because God, it isn't about me at all. ah, forgive me for making it that way. thank you for leading me, even when i pushed you away more than ever. your love is genuine and divine. help me to love like that.


"for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast."

-ephesians 2:8-9

my letter to beelzebub

dear beelzebub,

your words cannot contain me...
I will not be destroyed by the ideas of a mind too narrow to know--
--too blind to comprehend the depths and heights of heaven that radiate in my heart.
you'll only go as far as I let, and here I draw the line.

So save your insults.
Save your judgements.
Save your stones for someone else.
I cannot, no I won't, let you bring me down.

I am not fickle.
I am not bland.
I cannot be summed up and grated through your egotistical grid.
you suffocate reality and mold it into your pet, living for far less and deeming it your own.
I will not fight to defend myself...this battle is not mine.

No, I won't try to prove myself.
your weapons are bitter and broken-
a calloused heart is your prize.

So beat on, heart beater.
The battle has begun.
I said bring it on, life stealer.
This battle has already been won.


sincerely,
court