your soul::set it free

nature::i am meshed within.
it ignites my soul;
sets it free
an effortless breeze::i am released

my vulnerabilities go uncultivated
meadows of the forest.
i am one with the birds--
--as they abscond through the sky--
i hear an illustrious song
how vividly enchanting is this meeting

my heart aches.

tonight i am perplexed.
as i sit here in my dim lit room, i want to cry.
it has been a long time since i have. i have become numb to it in a way.
i have seen my mistakes. i keep hitting replay in my head. i have been able to smile, and thank God for them.

but tonight, they haunt me.
tonight the feelings of being used will not leave my heart.
it is breaking all over again.

i want so bad to be able to forgive those who have hurt me. who have used me for their own selfish desires despite the long term effects i would endure from it.

i want to be able to love them the way God loves me still.
but i can't. not tonight. tonight i hurt. tonight i feel dirty and used.


so i will sit here and cry.
i hate that i was so stupid.
i hate that i LET them.
i feel uncomfortable.
i hate my past.

dark.

right now i'm sitting through my designated ditched class of the week. this semester i have become a terrible slacker, and if i don't ditch one or more classes a week i feel like i don't have a mind of my own.

this semester has been very dark. i can't really explain it any other way than that.

dark.

i have rebelled, gotten drunk, and ran away from Christ more than i ever have before.
and He let me.

He let me.

gah, i am so thankful. at the beginning of this semester i never thought i would be saying that.
but i am. i feel i have learned so much through the pain. through the running. and even through the crazy drunken nights.

last night my dear friends and me sat in a room and prayed.
and laughed. and talked about how this semester has been rough for all of us in some way. satan has had a huge stronghold on us all. but he didn't win the fight.

i am so excited to see what the Lord has in store for next semester. i think it is going to be something spectacular for His glory. satan has been working hard at trying to make that not happen.

i am so thankful for my friends. sigh.

we layed in the street last night and looked at the, ever so bright, full moon. and the stars. and the clouds. and prayed. it was beautiful. and i realized that although this semester has been ugly, and we all have ugly hearts, it is still, and we are still, beautiful.


there is beauty in the ugly.

now i am off to freemans ranch, a secluded area in the hills of hill country.
ah, stoked.

out.

out.
i want out.
the dawn entices me.
the night imbibes me.
the doors
are--
--locked--
there is
no way
out!
i try to run--
[far far away]
tis impossible!

this way--
riven pieces lay before me.

that way--
laneful desires consume me.

let go!
let me free!
let go!
let me free!
oh, how i long for a discrepant way out.
i.
am.
out.

huh?

what is this?
it is not prosaic.
it is quite remarkable.
is this real?
it can't be.
but it is.
--i think.
be careful.
can you see it?