hope.

this weekend=confusion.
words really can't explain the storm going on inside my head right now. utterly, i am perplexed. it would be a delight for me to say, 'oh i am so much stronger now,' but that just isn't the case yet. i know i will be, and i know everything happens for a reason, but i just don't know it right now. patience courtney. patience. gah, i need more patience. i want nothing more than to rush and say everything is all better, i know exactly why it happened, i learned so much, and i am the strongest woman ever because of it. but i've done that before. too easily. and look where that got me. i need time to process, to figure shit out.

i am so good at 'running' away from things, and hiding my emotions, which at times is admirable, but other times, putrid. i can't run this time. i need to face this situation and find myself again--because let's be honest, i have lost part of me...more than ever though, i am optimistic.




-- today i worked at the homeless shelter in downtown austin [frontsteps.org], and met a brilliant man named 'benney.' i had a shirt on that read, 'hope.' ironic. benney stared at me for a long time while i searched for his mail. after i handed him his mail i gave him a smile and told him to have a wonderful day. he just stood there. then after what seemed forever, he spoke:

"hope. i like that. i have hope every day. even when there is no place to sleep or no food to eat. i still hope. and i want you to know, that no matter what life brings you, there is always hope..."

and then he was gone. i swear he was an angel. he had no idea how much i needed to hear those words. and i have a feeling that won't be the last time i run into ol' benney at the shelter.



every season must come to an end. and when it does, hope.

children.

i love my job.

no matter how hair-rasing my day is going, i can come to work and laugh it off with my kids. they have such light and energy--it's contagious.

the weather has been exquisite here; 70's, light cool breeze, half overcast, half sun. it's been like this all week. needless to say, i have taken my kids outside everyday. yesturday we all layed in the grass--played that game where you look at the clouds and make pictures from them--for about 30 minutes. i don't think i ever felt more free than in that moment with them. the weather was perfect, the wind was blowing, we were laying in the grass, and looking at the sky. i had been having an awful day, infact awful couple of weeks, but for that thirty minutes i forgot about all of that. i listened to the laughter that filled the air, and saw the little fingers pointing to the sky as their imaginations went uncultivated. it was such a warm feeling that brought back the infant spirit in me that i have been longing for.

--i love kids. i have been hiding behind a smile lately, but a simple game of clouds with my kids, made my smile genuine.


sometimes, you just need to be still. and laugh. and take in all that nature has to offer.


"be still, and know that i am God;"

-psalm 46:10

emily dickinson.

emily dickinson's life is so intriguing to me.
her poetry is nonpareil and comely. it inspires me.
i haven't written poetry in awhile--but i picked the habit back up lastnight.
i couldn't stop. so many thoughts flooded my mind, it was almost therapeutic to release them.

--and now i am beginning to re-read emily's poems again. here's a taste of her stunning work:



They dropped like Flakes-
They dropped like stars-
Like Petals from a Rose-
When suddenly across the June
A wind with fingers-goes-

They perished in the Seamless Grass-
No eye could find the place-
But God can summon every face
On his Repealles-List.